So you’ve signed up for a Triathlon, eh? Well, congrats on your bravery and dedication to fitness. If you are new to this rather demanding sporting event, we have some experienced Oh My Disney writers who can help you learn what to expect, with Disney examples, of course.
The first thing you’ll do once you sign up is figure out how many days you have to get in prime competition shape.
“Wow, you have so much time before the big day!” You’ll tell yourself, so you’ll design a nice little workout schedule that won’t freak your body out too much.
You’ll start running, shooting for about three miles to start, so you can build up to the full race length.
Then you’ll realize, oh wow, three miles is actually really long; how are you going to do this run AFTER you’ve already biked and swam?!?!
Speaking of biking, you’ll get yourself a nice race bike complete with cool clip-on shoes (from which you will immediately fall because it’s really hard to keep your balance on those skinny tires when you’re in those clips).
Also, you’ll discover how much biking can really make your rump hurt. Ouch.
As for swimming, this one is always a challenge for noobs. Half a mile sounds like a short distance until you’re in freezing cold water with a billion other people who are trying to swim past you, plus also waves.
The solution to all of these triathlon woes is more practice! And also more accessories! Buy all the things!
You’re going to want a triathlon wetsuit so you can glide through the water unencumbered and keep the cold water out. You’ll also need lots of swim caps, running shoes and socks, triathlon belts, energy drinks, hydrating gum, goggles, helmets, sweatbands, jogging shorts, and performance-enhancing water. That way you can be the best athlete you can be!
Soon, that far-off race day will suddenly be about six weeks away, and you’ll realize that you’re still cramping up at four miles and swimming about six laps before you run out of breath. This isn’t optimal. Time to get it into gear.
At this point you’ll become a full time triathlete. You will eat to power yourself through three workouts a day, you’ll bike to work, you’ll swim during lunch, you’ll jog after dinner, all so that you are not a total mess on race day.
And all of a sudden, you’ll realize that you can swim really fast and jog forever without getting a running cramp. And also that it’s really scary riding a bike 25 miles per hour down a hill and that’s why helmets exist.
Essentially, it will be like the “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” montage from Mulan.
Once you’ve become a precision instrument of speed and aerodynamics, it’s time to put yourself to the test with a real race.
You’ll drag all your gear to a beach or lake or pool or wherever the event might be, and get your race number written on your body in permanent marker because that’s what a triathlon is all about.
This is the point when you’ll realize that this whole triathlon business is way harder with tons of people around you, jockeying for position, zipping past you on bikes, elbowing you during the swim. Why did you sign up for this business?
You’ll feel exhausted pretty much the whole time, but thanks to all of your hard work, you’ll be able to power through, which is actually one of the best parts about triathlons.
Actually, scratch that. The best part about triathlons are the goodie bags you get at the end filled with water and granola bars, and of course, the participation medal.
Soon you’ll forget how hard the triathlon was, how much your muscles and feet ached, how cold the water was, and sign up for another one, because you are an athlete and that’s what you do. Have fun!