Do you remember when The Emperor’s New Groove first came to theaters? We didn’t really know what to expect since it was a Disney animated feature, but not based on any of the fairy tales we’d heard of before. Who is the Emperor? What is a groove?
We soon found out that it took place in the jungle. Soooo, was this going to be like Tarzan, maybe?
WRONG, it would be nothing like Tarzan! Because, as we now know, there is nothing quite like The Emperor’s New Groove. Boom, baby!
We kind of liked the “en media res” introduction where we come in right in the middle of the plot. Somehow this llama is actually an emperor. Okay. As Kuzco goes pitifully falling around a bunch of puddles, we can already tell we’re going to like this movie.
Also, who is the genius who decided to do a jazzy Tom Jones-performed intro song to a Meso-American-based film? Because it worked, and really got us into the mood for what Kuzco was all about.
We could tell Kuzco was a brat pretty early on, but we still kind of wanted to be rich and powerful like him, minus the gigantor earrings.
Except we knew we wouldn’t throw old guys out of our palace window if they threw off our groove.
Then we met Pacha and we immediately liked him, since he’s such a nice guy and is voiced by John Goodman.
We simultaneously loved Yzma for being such a good villain, and couldn’t stand her because she was such a good villain.
Either way, we could not take our eyes off of those eyelashes! They’re like spider legs on her eyes! Such volume.
Then we were treated to what would become one of the best moments in Disney animated history! Any discussion of levers from this point on will always be followed by “WRONG LEVERRRRR! Why do we even have that lever?”
We knew Kronk wasn’t a bad guy as soon as we saw that he was more concerned with his spinach puffs than poisoning Kuzco. Kronk was our kind of dude.
We REALLY knew we liked Kronk when he started doing his own theme music.
And we knew we REALLY loved this movie as soon as the shoulder angels appeared. This is why T.E.N.G. is like no other Disney movie.
We admired Disney for getting Pacha’s kids exactly right, like when Tipo woke up from his dream and exclaimed: “I had a dream that Dad was tied to a log and was careening out of control down a raging river of death!” Because they WERE doing that.
Then we experienced that life-changing moment when we learned this dance from Kuzco, which became our new personal victory dance for any situation. “Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh.”
Then Kronk stole the show again with his squirrel talk, and we loved him even more. What llama plot? Yzma who? This movie is all Kronk. By the way, did we mention Kronk is the best?
When Pacha slurped up that bug at the diner, we sort of felt like how Kuzco looked.
We almost felt bad for Kuzco when he realized that Yzma was out to get him and Pacha finally left him, except we didn’t feel that bad because Kuzco still hadn’t learned his lesson.
You know who else was super awesome? Pacha’s wife. No one can get anything past her, even though she’s juggling two kids with another one on the way. Underrated character.
And this kid, with his “You’re more like my great, great, great,… great, great aunt.” So good.
Evil Kitty Yzma was real cute, especially when her wittle paws couldn’t open the wittle magical potion.
And at the last moment, we could hardly believe our eyes when selfish, jerky Kuzco ACTUALLY did something for someone else. And at this point we did sort of feel bad that he was stuck as a llama.
SPOILER ALERT: Everything turns out better than expected, because of teamwork. We kind of knew it would all work out, not gonna lie. It’s just that kind of movie.
And at the end, we were glad we got to see this character again, because he’s old and hilarious and sounds like Piglet from Winnie the Pooh.