With another round of The Bachelor coming to a close, we found ourselves asking the question on everyone’s mind: Who would win if all The Lion King men were pitted against one another on The Bachelorette? As this is unlikely to happen next season, we decided to simulate the dates and the eliminations. Let’s play!
Contestants – Simba, Mufasa, Scar, Banzai, Ed, Zazu, Timon, Pumbaa, one of the giraffes who bowed down in the opening, Rafiki.
Out of the limo, it’s clear we have the makings of a great Bachelorette season. We’ve got fun loaving goofballs (Timon, Pumbaa, Ed), two brothers who came to play (Scar, Mufasa), and an immediate crowd favorite (the always eccentric Rafiki).
First Impression Rose: Scar (why are the Bachelors and Bachelorettes always drawn to the ones who are in it for the wrong reasons?)
Eliminated: The Giraffe, who just didn’t stand out, and Banzai. Lacking the tact of Scar, Banzai just comes off as a bad guy.
Mufasa gets a one-on-one and shines. Scar pouts about it. On the group date, they repel down a skyscraper. Zazu whines incessantly about how unsafe this is—but you’re a bird Zazu! You can fly! Lighten up. Scar convinces Pumbaa that it would be really funny if he let one rip, and he does. Pumbaa! Not in front of the kids… or the Bachelorette.
Eliminated: Zazu, who was too much of a killjoy, and Pumbaa, who needs to learn to be more of a gentleman.
Rafiki’s shtick is getting a little old, though Ed still laughs at everything he does. Everything anyone does, really. Simba is pretty cute, but isn’t quite a mature lion yet. Though we can see potential in Simba, he’s got a lot of growing up to do, and the Bachelorette knows it. If she kept him around until the end, he’d become a pretty cool dude, but…
Eliminated: Simba. Wow. The audience is stunned.
It’s the week before the Hometown dates and, unfortunately, the Bachelorette won’t be getting a tour of the Tree of Life. Everyone’s hanging out, and in comes Rafiki singing about squashed bananas. He says, “Follow old Rafiki, he know the way!” and then he runs off. And everyone looks at each other and shakes their heads. It was fun the first few times, but tonight they just want to sit around and talk for once!
Scar has been playing a pretty good game so far, only letting his true colors show when the Bachelorette is not around. However, the Hometown dates really open her eyes. She digs Timon’s oasis and his Hakuna Matata way of life. She finds out why Ed is laughing all the time—he has a great family! She learns that Mufasa is a king (!), and everyone in his kingdom loves him (!!), and he owns everything the light touches (!!!). However, when the Bachelorette visits the dual reality of Scar’s kingdom, she sees that Scar has managed Pride Rock into the ground. It’s barren, the herds have moved on, there is no food, and… it seems like everyone hates Scar? Wait a second…
Eliminated: The Bachelorette finally realizes that the Scar she knows is all an act, and that he’s really a manipulative bad guy. Later, Scar.
With Scar out of the picture, everyone is having a much better time. Timon’s doing the hula, Ed is laughing, and Mufasa is talking in that deep voice of his.
Eliminated: Someone’s got to go home, and as much as the Bachelorette loves Ed and his laugh, that’s really all he’s bringing to the table. She’s looking for more from a husband. Ed takes this surprisingly hard and sobs for days.
The Bachelorette is down to a tough choice: Timon or Mufasa. Mufasa is handsome and manly and, oh yeah, a king. Timon is funny and has a good outlook on life and… is about to get friend-zoned.
Eliminated: The Bachelorette really likes Timon, so she can’t let him propose only to be rejected. Instead, she stops by beforehand to tell him she’s going with Mufasa. She knows he’ll find someone great and she really hopes they can still be friends. Hakuna Matata, right Timon? Right? Single tear.
Winner: Mufasa. We think she made the right choice. Mufasa is great and the type of guy you could see yourself someday having a cub with. And then Rafiki would roll into Pride Rock and lift that cub up, and “NaaaAAAAaaaaaants ingonyama bagithi Baba…”