For Your Consideration: Hades for 2014 Oscar Host

As important, nay, more important than the Academy Awards themselves, is who gets to host them. Anticipation builds months before, and hopes are often dashed when the host is finally announced. Some would say you can’t please everyone. Au contraire, mortals. We think we can. Hades, God of the Underworld, super-villain extraordinaire, and all-around funny guy, from Hercules, would be THE. PERFECT. Oscars host. Here’s why.

1. If there was an elaborate production number where it rained on stage (and we feel like there always is), Hades’ hair would go out. Hades would totally take one for the team for the sake of the joke. Hilarity would naturally ensue.
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“Woah, hey, is my hair out??”

2. Hades is a classy guy and would totally crack down on any lame product placement attempts.
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(In this case, for Air-Hercs.)

3. Hades loves moussaka, and—we assume—a plethora of other Mediterranean delights. He would totally bring these to the Oscars so that the celebs could pass them around the audience with some pita bread. (But be warned, Hades has been been known to get moussaka stuck in his throat).
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4. Hades lives for an audience. He would try, and try, and keep trying until that audience laughed at his jokes. (If they didn’t they may or may not end up in the Underworld. But, come on: worth it.)
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5. He laughed at Zeus—his immortal enemy’s—jokes, so he could totally stomach laughing at any awkward jokes in acceptance speeches to keep the night going.
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5. He knows how to make an entrance.
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6. If anyone tried to get into the show uninvited, well, Hades knows how to deal with that.
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7. Hades doesn’t have any shame so he’d flirt his way through that audience faster than the fates can cut a string of life. He’d schmooze them, and he’d schmooze them well. And a happy audience makes for a better show, that’s like show rule #1 … we imagine.
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8. He lives in the Underworld, not a lot going on, so we’re betting that (for a night amongst the living) Hades would even host the show for free!
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9. Hades can’t keep his inner monologue to himself, and therefore has no filter. So, that would be fun.
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“Ay, verse. Oy.”

Bonus: He would probably book the Muses as his backup singers, officially making it the most melodious Academy Awards ever.
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But hey, if Hades doesn’t get the job there’s always the possibility that he might crash the party anyway…
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So, let’s make it official and name Hades as Oscars Host 2014. Please. For all our sakes. This dude can hold a grudge.

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