After settling their “who has the bigger badge” debate, Jean and Sam Eagle have a job to do. Figure out who’s been committing crimes…
Kermit, let’s begin
Describe the day you played Berlin
Constantine: We rehearsed and then we walked about
We ate bratwurst and sauerkraut
Jean: That night at ten o’ three
Were you inside the portrait gallery?
Constantine: From ten o’clock to ten o’ four
Was when we did the show encore
Sam: Hmm, Frog we’ve got our doubts
Can you confirm your whereabouts?
Constantine: My alibi is watertight
The audience saw me sing all night
Jean: Monsieur we know you did the crime
Constantine: I was on stage that whole time
Ask who sang “Rainbow Connection”
Sam and Jean: Thank you Kermit, no more questions
Hello, I think it’s time for good cop, romantic cop
Jean: Miss Piggy, you could end up locked inside
Now’s your chance to save your hide
Miss Piggy: Gentlemen, I did not know
It’s a crime to steal the show
Sam: Tell us how the art was taken
Jean: If you want to save your bacon
Miss Piggy: I haven’t seen your missing art
All I’ve stolen is audience hearts
Sam: We can give you a plea deal
Jean: All you have to do is squeal
Miss Piggy: I’m not a thief, I don’t know how
All I’ve ever taken is a bow
Jean: We’ll catch the swine that did this job
Miss Piggy: Give up the pig puns, creep
Go jump in a lake, that’s my suggestion
Sam and Jean: Thank you Piggy, no more questions
Jean: I think she likes me
Sam: I don’t think your puns are helping the investigation
Jean: You know, I think they did it
Sam: No they didn’t
Jean: Yes they did, and we can pin it
Sam: If they did, how did they do it?
Jean: If they didn’t, how did they didn’t?
Sam: If they didn’t then it’s easy, ’cause they simply didn’t do it
Jean: If they did it, then I knew it, but we’ve nothing that can prove it
Jean: Oh, excuse me
Jean: Bring in the purple guy with the shnozz
Do you remember what you did
On the night you played Madrid?
Gonzo: I was hit by a raging bull
And rushed off stage to the hospital
Jean: Gonzo, what do you know
About the sculpture theft at Madrid’s Prado?
Gonzo: I never saw the stolen busts
I spent the night in bed concussed
Sam: The truth Gonzo, the clock is tickin’
Gonzo: If you don’t believe me, ask the chicken
Camilla was there, she’ll co-operate
Jean: Madam, are you willing to corroborate?
Camilla: Bawk bawk begawk, begawk gawk gawk
Sam: Will someone get this chicken out of here
Gonzo: Calm down Camilla, it’s a routine inspection
Sam and Jean: Thank you Gonzo, no more questions
Let’s go from the start
What do you know about the stolen art?
Lew Zealand: I didn’t know there was a plan
Floyd: Your accusation is far out man
Bunsen: The chances of us committing a crime
Are less than .009
Swedish Chef: Shern de shern de herf
Sher de chicky en de farney hug
Jean: To help with our investigation
Can you do a full translation?
Translator: What the chef just said to you
Was “Schnoop do schnnop do schnook”
It’s not Swedish
Penguins: Wank wank wank
Fozzie: I can do an Elvis impression?
Sam and Jean: Thank you Muppets, no more questions!
Jean: They didn’t
Sam: No, they didn’t
Jean: There’s no way they did the crime
Sam: They couldn’t they’re too stupid
Jean: They’re not criminal masterminds
Sam: We do not know who did it, but we know who didn’t do it
Sam and Jean: So we know who didn’t do it yes we know who didn’t do it
Jean: They’re incapable of being culpable!
These guys aren’t incapable of being culpable. In fact, this song was entirely their doing:
Performed by Ty Burrell, Sam Eagle and The Muppets
Music by Bret McKenzie
Lyrics by Bret McKenzie and Paul Roemen
Published by Fuzzy Muppet Songs (ASCAP)
Produced by Bret McKenzie and Mickey Petralia
Arranged by Chris Caswell
Orchestrations by Chris Caswell and Doug Walter
Vocals Recorded by David Bianco and Nick Wollage
Band Recorded by David Bianco
Orchestra Recorded by Satoshi Mark Noguchi
Mixed by Mickey Petralia and Satoshi Mark Noguchi